Good God, He's Gonna Blow!!

Who'd'a thunk it, I finally found a holiday of sorts that I ACTUALLY enjoy.

That day being today, Father's Day. My first one in fact as a pseudo-stepparent. Heh.

I say 'pseudo' because I'm nothing more than a parent in deed and name only, nothing legal just yet (we're working on that, tho).

Last night, our youngest daughter (yes, note how I said 'our' - these kids are as much mine these days as they are her's)celebrated her 12th birthday (her actual birthday isn't until mid July, so we had it yesterday so she could have it with her friends). Now, she's the one who's had problems opening up to me all this time, had problems accepting me. I think it's safe to assume she's accepted me now, heh. O'course, might have something to do with what I did last night - namely allowing six 12-year-old girls hopped up on sugar free access to my face with a cosmetic kit. Thank God there wasn't a camera nearby, but the looks on people faces when they saw me was priceless :P.

ANd now there's today - Father's Day. All the kids are here right now to help me celebrate my first one (they're taking a small break, giving me time to do this entry). They will be going over to their biological paternal unit's place later for dinner, but right now I know they'd rather be here with me (there's been some 'issues' with BPU and the kids - most of them his fault). So, in a few minutes I'm going to be having fun with MY kids.

Heh.

Current Mood: ecstatic

I know Mother's day was Sunday, and this is now Wednesday, but it's been hard to concentrate due to emotional hangover.

After months of holding it in to the people around us - the only people who knew were online friends who had NO connection with my personal friends and family - Patti and I finally broke down and told the kids.

Now the kids and I have had a semi-rocky relationship from the beginning, as well as having had JUST gone through a bad break-up with their parents not too many moons ago

Okay, so we've chosen not only the date (September 6th, 2008), but I've found the PERFECT ring!!

http://www.jewelsforme.com/main.asp?&key=Amethyst-rings&key2=Amethyst-ring&ItemNumber=1131R-14BS&Month=02&Metal=Y&ItemMonth=02&Ad=&CU=&PriceCheck=0&Shape=0&Category=RINGS&Page=1&Subcategory=Diamond%20Crowned

Her only requirement was that it's main setting be Amethyst (my birthstone).

But nope, still haven't OFFICIALLY asked her - she won't let me do that until her divorse is finalised - in DECEMBER!! Right now, we're calling ourselves 'betrothed' =P

We're filing her papers next week, then comes the fun part - telling her kids, her ex, then MY family. After that last one, everyone else in the free world will know within 5 seconds :D

Anywhoo, time to bolt. getting ready for a trip to the coast to meet her daughter

As sappy as it sounds, I miss having the kids and Patti around when I'm alone...

I can't go more than a few minutes of not thinking about them when they aren't around. And worse, I'm annoying myself with the fact that i can't seem to stop talking about them! Then you have the usual questions/concerns, namely about the lack-of-physical aspects of our relationship. She says it's fine, but I KNOW it's bugging her that I can't seem to shake my intimacy issues. Most of them aren't even sexual - there are some things that are more intimate than sex, things that seem a hellova lot more innocent than they actually are - and those are the things that are cramping things. ANd I can honestly say 'it's not you, it's me' and mean it!! How many men can actually say that??

Guh...

Okay, so what interesting couple of days.

First off, I'm quitting smoking as of the 1st of March - a task and a half, I might add, since I was a heavy smoker. But I've been ready for over a year, just needed the proper motivations - and I found four of them.

To make things more interesting, about the same time I got my eviction notice, I got offered - by my girldfriend's KIDS, who were having some problems with me until recently - to move in. This is, of course, a MUTAL move, since my added income helps them out too, but none the less...

... Now I'm fending off my mother from reserving a hall and looking at floral arrangments...

Current Mood: chipper

Well, today I turn the ripe old age of 26 (a comment that I expect to get hit over =P), and what a week it's been.

Hell, what a WEEKEND it's been. Went out for my birthday on Saturday, since that's when most of the people I had invited was supposedly able to get off - and of all of them, the only ones to show up was my girlfriend and my parents. But I had a blast, got blasted, and boy did I feel it SUnday morning!

For those of you with keen vision, yes, I did indeed say 'girlfriend' (as I said, it's been an odd week or so). Somehow in the swing of things, I've somehow ended up with a girlfriend who's 14 years older than me, has four kids - one who's six years YOUNGER than me - and a very recent exhusband... Top that off, yes, I'm STILL gay (don't ask me on how that works - our relationship isn't physical, but I'm still expecting a problem along that line), but I've never been happier, and from what I'm told, I make her happy. Hell, even her kids are okay with this (well, three of them - have yet to meet her eldest) - to a point where it's hard to do anything alone these days (not sure why I'm complaining about that tho). Time will tell how things progress, but she's ALREADY fell in love with my family as much as I've hers. Now I've got to be VERY careful - my mother is already picking out floral arrangements. Gotta head her off before she starts asking people if they want the chicken or the sea bass...

Something T (a kid I've grown QUITE close to recently) said to me there the other day is still stuck in my chest: we were playing around on the computer (he's a Wikipedia fan, just like me =P ), when, out of the blue, he just stops, has a look of revelation, then turns to me (he was sitting on my lap at the time). "Y'know, most people have a mom and a dad", he said. I nodded my head, "Uh huh", not having ANY clue where this came from or where it's going. Then he said "Not many people have a mom and a dad and an Allan."

Damn-near needed a mop to pick me up off the chair...

Current Mood: gushified!

This goes out to everyone I've talked to in the last two months especially.

I'm writing this as a public apology to everyone who had to put up with my incessant rants, my obsessive behaviour over my life, and more especially my more-conceited attitude lately. I know I've been taking a lot of time from everyone with my own personal shit - and don't think your willing ears haven't been a warm welcome. I've been going through some shit, as many of you know, and your help and the fact that you listen to me rant, rave and generally confound with my contrivial relationships has helped a GREAT deal, but the fact that I've had to lean on you all so much isn't really fair to you, especially since I haven't exactly been there for you in the same way for some time.

Somehow, through a series of freak occurances, I managed to sneak in a six-day long weekend - which would normally send me ranting and screaming, except this time I NEEDED the time off to get my personal and semi-professional lives to coincide peasefully. I spent the first three days desperately cleaning my apartment. And trust me, it NEEDED it! One of the downsides of living alone with nothing but three cats is, who do I have to impress?? But this time I was expecting company for the weekend, so I stuck to my guns and, aside from some organisational issues, got everything spic'n'span (btw, do you know how hard it is to shave a couch??). It took me almost every minute of those three days, right until I had to pick up the friend who I was expecting.

I had decided to take a friend's kid for the weekend. He's 9, and the only boy in a house of women, with parents who have seperated, a father who's in the various stages of mourning his lost marriage of 25 years (and can't understand what has happened), a mother who works two jobs - one at night - and two adolescent sisters. Being the lone boy in that house has not been easy on him or his mother, so I opted to take him for a 'boys only' weekend (which, apparently, I qualify for). Let me tell you, it was easily the best weekend I've had in ages - the only downside was taking him home. We're in talks to do it again sometime soon.

The only odd thing that happened this week was something I'm worried about. The backstory is that, once apon a time, when I was 16, something dramatically changed in my eating habits - I completely lost my sence of appetite. I'd actually FORGET to eat days on end, and not notice. It got to a point where, up until a couple of days ago, I'd have to remember to eat at least once a day (the fact I work in a restaurant, you'd THINK that'd be easy), but for the first six months or so, it took a lot to remind myself - to a point where I had lost nearly 100lbs in 8 months (which is not good, so I'm told). Now I have an added problem - now am I not only not feeling hungry, I can't eat! Despite the fact that I KNOW, intellectually, that I HAVE to eat because I haven't since Thursday, it's like I'm stuck in permanent 'full' mode - like I'm trying to eat an hour after Christmas dinner or something. So, yeah, I'm a tad concerned: I'm only 170lbs (tho you couldn't tell to look at me), which is a TAD underweight for me. Gotta make an appointment here to see a doctor, maybe get some help with this...

I'm only posting because I got a message saying I hadn't in two weeks, but nonetheless this is a killer..

I've been having a crisis of self lately... Here's a conversation I had with my mother on the topic:

Dale says:
wassup
HappyCanuck says:
not much, just beating myself up...
Dale says:
and who's winning
HappyCanuck says:
.... too early to tell right now.
Dale says:
ok whats wrong
HappyCanuck says:
oh, just rehashing old doubts, trying to get to the roots of my problems...
HappyCanuck says:
actually, not ENTIRELY true, I know what PARTS of my problems are... forexample, I'm too gay for my own good, but at the same time want all the hetero things...
Dale says:
omg...you sound like M [a mutual friend]!!
HappyCanuck says:
LMAO, yes, but I at least am trying to figure out WHAT those problems are so i can change them!
HappyCanuck says:
you can't change what you don't know is wrong, which is why I'm actually LOOKING at them
Dale says:
well good for you. ignoring them or hiding never works...just ask your father
HappyCanuck says:
lol, actually, you can thank M...
HappyCanuck says:
she bitches but doesn't DO anything about them...
HappyCanuck says:
however, I've hit a stumbling block: I'm too close to the problem...
Dale says:
what is this stumbling block
HappyCanuck says:
as I said, I seem to be too close to the problem, thus I can't see it properly
HappyCanuck says:
basically, I'm having a crisis of self
Dale says:
ok so what is it thats stopping you from geting what you want
HappyCanuck says:
honestly, for the most part, it's being too damned gay for my own good, from what I can tell...
Dale says:
well for someone who thinks he's so gay, why are girls so attracted to you as a male
HappyCanuck says:
that's part of the issue...
HappyCanuck says:
and i don't mean 'gay' in the exterior supertyical sence, I mean INTERNALLY, actually
Dale says:
hhhuuuuhhh??
HappyCanuck says:
not really sure how to explain it...
Dale says:
and im not sure what to ask to help you with the words
HappyCanuck says:
let's try this, see if it sticks: yes, I got women falling for me left right and center (which, btw, is STILL confusing), but I just CAN'T reciprocate that feeling.
HappyCanuck says:
which is bad, because what I WANT are all the hetero stuff - minus the sex with women.... does that make ANY sence?
Dale says:
what do you mean- all the hetero stuff? loke what
HappyCanuck says:
again, not sure what I mean. I know it's confusing - more so for me, trust me
Dale says:
ok...are you questioning your sexuality or your lack thereof...i remember when you told me you were a satanist cuz you didn't believe in God. Until i explained to you that you don't have to be one or the other
HappyCanuck says:
no, actually, the only thing I'm NOT questioning is my sexuality. In fact, I realised a little while ago that I'm more 'gay', internally, than anyone else I know. Sometimes wish it weren't so, but dammit, that's the one thing I'm SURE of.
Dale says:
and what makes you so sure of that
HappyCanuck says:
unlike most people - homo or heterosexual - I just don't have that bisexual drive that pops up every now and then. I'm only attracted to men, and women do absofuckinglutely nothing for me. the aspects I get attracted to in women are those found equally between the sexes (yes, I've been thinking a LOT on this). but here's the kicker: I almost WISH to have that bisexual drive kick in every now and then... and I can't explain why. maybe it's because I DO have women falling for me, but can't find a man for the life of me, but again, that's a theory and nothing I can substantiate internally or externally...
Dale says:
ok here is a weird question for ya..are you attracted to P [a female friend of mine]? even in some weird way that you cannot explain
HappyCanuck says:
yes and no. but it's not just P, I've been having this for over a year now.
Dale says:
the reason why i ask..and it sounds well strange cuz im your mom..but you have always been drawn to older women. you never had time for younger girls at all
HappyCanuck says:
that much is true, I can't deny that. And I can see where you are coming from. Something I just realised - thanks to that probing question - is that i WANT to be attracted to her...
Dale says:
ok now we are getting somewhere
HappyCanuck says:
aye
Dale says:
are you concerned she may rebuke you?
HappyCanuck says:
not in the slightest. it's that every fibre of my being is rebuking HER
Dale says:
well my son..i think you got some deep soul serching to do..and something else too
HappyCanuck says:
the soul searching I'm working on, what's the other?
Dale says:
again..weird thing coming from me...you may want to step out of the closet for a minute and explore that feeling.
HappyCanuck says:
I need you to explain that a bit...
Dale says:
ok..yeesh!! this is weird!! but i think u know what i mean but you need me to use the words so that you dont have to. I believe you need to have a physical encounter with an older woman
HappyCanuck says:
ugh, this is like I'm having the OPPOSITE reaction to what I'm supposed to... why can't I have NORMAL problems??
HappyCanuck says:
actually, I've entertained that notion before - several times - but everytime I bring that thought to the forefront, it's like every iota of me cringes at the sheer notion of it.... great, I'm a self-heterophobe...
HappyCanuck says:
it's the reason I've NEVER slept with a woman - tho I've had AMPLE oppertunities, but when it gets to that point, usually right before the clothes come off, I lock because, to me, it's not right... ugh, this is hard to explain...
HappyCanuck says:
... I professional help, m'thinks...
HappyCanuck says:
I *need professional help
Dale says:
hmmm me thinks too but you have to be completely open minded and honest and not hide behind the ' im so gay' thing cuz i think ther is more to this than meets the eye
HappyCanuck says:
that's just it, I'm not HIDING. I wish it were so, because I'd have something to work with. But the issue is, women do NOTHING for me whatsoever - and the Divine knows, I've worked long and hard to try to convince myself otherwise. It's not that I'm 'so gay', it's that I'm 'TOO gay' - I have absolutely NO desire to be with a woman beyond platonically....
HappyCanuck says:
... and unfortunately, I can't think of ONE person who'd understand that...
HappyCanuck says:
I'm the polar-opposite of a hard-knockered straight guy - not a homophobe-becuase-he's-scared-of-what-he-is, but a true hetero (which is VERY rare)

If any of you out there in Lalaland has any insight, PLEASE give it to me...

Current Mood: confused

Another year come and gone, and what have I to show for it?

Exactly. This year, I'm actually doing something that I haven't even considered doing in the last six years or so: I'm setting a New Year's Resolution.

Don't worry, it won't be anything stupid like "Make $100,000", or "mount that hot straight guy at the conveniece store" (tho that'd be nice too) or something as equally unattainable. I was thinking more along the lines of "By year's end, I'm going to do something RIGHT with my life, and actually apply for adoption". That's one of my resolutions. More will come and go, but the basic point is, I'm making them light, attainable - as long as I stick to it.

Many will - and have - ask, "why that one specifically?" That's easy: I have nothing to show for my life, because I have no REASON to strive for anything. I have no reasons because, really, aside from me, who does it benefit? No one! I'm sure many will read this and quote the remarks I've heard abundantly, such as "WTF?!" and "... and let me tell you the flaws in your logic...". Trust me, I've heard them all, in some cases repeatedly.

Anyone who's known me for more than half an hour knows the one thing that drives me: I want to be a parent. It's what I wanted more in life than anything else, including breath most days. It's the root cause of my depression, it's the one thing that keeps me from being close to my friends because of constant envy, and it's the only thing I have ever truly wanted. Everything else is just icing, and yes, that even means my potential career. I have no reason to better myself because, to me (and I know it sounds whatever, but it's the truth), I have no one to do it for! Frankly, I just don't like myself enough to strive for something just for me. But if it was for someone else, then...

And no, this isn't EXACTLY a cry for acceptance or pride, per se. I stopped trying to live up to other people's expectation about the same time I grew facial hair, because, frankly, I don't care. But if I were to try to make one person proud of me, I want it to be the one who looks up to me and say 'That's my dad', because no one else's opinion really matters to me. Unfortunately, at this crucial point, I don't have anyone to look up at me and say that. Hence the resolution.

I know I'll prolly get fifteen emails and whatnot saying "wtf?!" and I'll be happy to try to explain my reasonings, but nonetheless, that is my goal.

Current Mood: determined

Blame LadyMako71... As usual, it's all HER fault....

Androgynous You scored 53 masculinity and 73 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

Stolen from ladymako71
Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
( See happycanuck's results. )

Today was really draining

I got out of bed thinking I was already an hour late for work, damn alarm clock

I feel mad, because my bosses suck donkey-eggs.

I'm so happy. I just found out that I have been accepted into Harvard. And Yale. I don't know which to choose... oh, why is life so hard sometimes?

Last night I had to shave my entire body. Apparently, the lice that I caught from Mandi's friend, Chris, are really hard to get rid of. I look quite strange with no hair and eyebrows. I'd post pictures, but my webcam is broken.

I want to tell the world to get fucked.

I am sharpening my knives before I go to work today, because I'm going to cut out their hearts and feed it to them for being complete dickwads.

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of my cat.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go... gimme time, I'll find a way to take you out... or at least the staff at Denny's...

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, and a healthy imagination. He said something about my use of household pesticides and my uncanny ability to mix them together to create odorless, colourless nerve gasses when in the pressence of deep fryer oil...

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

(As you all prolly know, this is all random bullshit, and has NO bearing whatsoever on my life.... well, except the knives... those I AM taking to work with me....)

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with some naked photos of myself. Just email me for them (Not safe for work - teehee).

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As many of you know, my sister, Angela, was pregnant... again. This time with twins.

Yes, I said 'was'. On Tuesday, June 21, 2005, we welcomed to our family two new additions, a bubbling baby boy, Kaiden Gordon, and yet another little girl, Tearsyn Leorah Balkwill. Kaiden was born at 8:54am (PST), at a VERY healthy 7lbs exactly, and Tearsyn was born two minutes later, at 8:56am (PST) at a well-respectable 6lbs, 4oz, both by Caesarian section at Royal Interior Hospital in Kamloops, BC. At last report (about 10 hours before this post), both mother and children were healthy and well. Tearsyn was still in the air tunnel (to help her lungs develop better), but otherwise in good condition. Angela is expected to be released from hospital sometime on Friday, and the twins sometime closer to the end of the weekend, all going well.

Kaiden and Tearsyn join their older sisters, Lindsay and Kaura-Beth, as proud members of the Balkwill and Crocker clans. Proud parents are Kris and Angela Balkwill, originally of Yellowknife, NT, now of Revelstoke, BC, with extended family being the proud maternal grandparents, Lance and Dale Crocker, and adoring uncle Allan, all of Revelstoke, and beaming paternal grandparents, Ken and Linda Balkwill and exuberant aunt, Jenny, all of Yellowknife, plus further extended great-aunts, -uncles, second cousins and respective families, great-grandparents in Yellowknife, Alberta, British Columbia and Ontario, and more friends that you can shake a stick at.

Please help us give a warm welcome to Kaiden and Tearsyn by submitting an email to angiebakwill@hotmail.com (meantion my name; Mommy can get a bit confused).

Current Mood: ecstatic

Heh, excuse the potentially bad pun in the subject header +P

Okay, if you haven't read 'The DaVinci Code' by Dan Brown, get off your lazy ass and pick up a copy!

I just read it in a marathon session, and HOLY SHIT!! This is one of those books where you pray to GOD that Dan Brown is well into his octogenerian years, because, goddammit, this is his quintescential opus magnum sub Deus*. There is NO way that he can top THIS!! It must have taken him DECADES to research for this book!

First off, Let me give you a clue about the book, without giving anything away: It's about, art, history, math, philosophy, theology, you name it, it was THERE. It's also the most inventive and ingenious mystery-genre book EVER. Now, I'm normally good at mysteries, but this one, even I had probs. usually I know the answers a good chapter in advance, but this one, sometime I wouldn't know until only a page - or even a sentence! - in advance, if at all! Winston Churchill once said: "It is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, shrouded in a mystery"; Well, he wasn't talking about Stalin's Soviet Union! He was talking about THIS BOOK! Each mystery became a clue to a new, larger mystery.

... I haven't the necessary words to talk about this book, it's so mind-blowingly complex-yet-simplistic. And Brown's use of multiple narratives - from Robert Langdon to Sophie Neveu to Sir Leigh Teabing to Captain Bezu Fache, to Silas, to Bishop Aringarosa - is absolutely breathtaking! And the fact that it takes place in about a ten-hour gap!

I REALLY hope the movie version of this can do the book (due in 2006) - and it's story - GREAT justice, but even if it does, I'm glad I read the book FIRST.



(*Latin: "Master Work under God" - basically, the only person who could do better is God Himself)

Current Mood: Absofuckinglutely Awestruck

So, I finally dunnit (as the subject header would insinuate :P )

I put my work up on Deviant Art. Go check it out...

A friend of mine, Jo (ladymako71), said it best when she said she has the highest pain tolerance. Thus far, I have to agree. Read it for yourself and see. And all you guys out there: ADMIT IT!! She's dead right. You know it....

Current Mood: ouchie!
Current Music: Rammstein